New Four Loko Warning

Four Loko FDA Description

source

Everyone’s favorite blackout-in-a-can now has a more appropriate description; deemed fitting by the FDA to describe the adverse effects of the alcoholic beverage. Here’s a zoomed in breakdown for your tiny little eyes:

WARNING: THE INGREDIENTS OF THIS DRINK HAVE BEEN FOUND TO CAUSE MEN AND WOMEN TO BECOME HUGE ASSHOLES. IN LABORATORY AND NON-LABORATORY TESTS, THE COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, TAURINE, AND GUARANA, COMBINED WITH THE STUNTED INTELLECT OF THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS TO DRINK SOMETHING THAT TASTES THIS SHITTY OUT OF SUCH A GARISH, DIPSHIT-LOOKING CAN AS THIS, HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO EXACERBATE AND ENLARGE THE ASSHOLE-RELATED BEHAVIORS OF THE DRINKER. ASSHOLE BEHAVIOR CAN BE DESCRIBED AS:

  • PUNCHING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE DICK AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT
  • WANTING TO DRIVE WHEN YOU CLEARLY SHOULDN’T DRIVE
  • SLEDDING AFTER MIDNIGHT
  • STARING AT THE BOUNCER MENACINGLY
  • DRINKING MORE OF THIS SHITTY BEVERAGE
  • PISSING AROUND THE TOILET
  • PISSING WHEREVER YOU HAPPEN TO BE STANDING
  • THROWING SHIT OUT OF DORM WINDOWS

IN LABORATORY TESTS, MICE WHO WERE FED THIS DRINK BECAME LITTLE MOUSE ASSHOLES. THEY PUSHED OTHER MICE OFF THE RUNNING WHEEL AND LAUGHED MOUSE-LAUGHS, THEN VOMITED AND STARTED LITTLE MOUSE-FRATERNITIES.

PREGNANT WOMEN WHO DRINK THIS MAY ALSO HAVE A MARKED INCREASE IN THE PROBABILITY OF HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE BABY, ALTHOUGH TESTS HAVE NOT ASCERTAINED WHETHER THIS IS DUE TO THE ASSHOLE QUALITIES OF THE DRINK OR THE ASSHOLES WHO PROBABLY GOT THE WOMAN PREGNANT. COULD BE BOTH.

SIMPLY PUT, WHETHER YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOU BEGIN DRINKING THIS OR SIMPLY A DOUCHE-BAG, IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH OF IT, YOU WILL DEFINITELY QUALIFY AS A HUGE ASSHOLE.

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About twogirlsonestone

I'm a graduate of Saint Lawrence University where I got my degree in Global Studies major with a focus on European and Islamic Studies. I'm particularly interested in Muslim immigration in Europe. I use this blog when I'm bored or if I find a lot something interesting. I spend an inordinate amount of time online and thought it's time to post a collection of my favorites for friends to view.
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